[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
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my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it鈥檚 called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won鈥檛 stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I鈥檒l only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 馃拃
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Human: what鈥檚 up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Can we not just call it Zealand now?