*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained