A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
He-man has a Masters degree
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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