[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Love this one 😂🧟
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.