@ShiroSirius

Brands during Pride

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@TEXASVETERAN

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

@Parkerlawyer

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

@ibid78

[financial advisor] based on your income and savings you can retire at age 116
[me] *slips her $100* let’s make it 112
[her] now it’s 120

@Diversion50

IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?

ME: He’s a well known, gimmick.

IAN: Really?

ME: That’s Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.

@JillianKarger

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

@DrakeGatsby

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

@daemonic3

kid: dad I can’t sleep

me: why not?

kid: do you see that monster under my bed?

me: [looks under bed] OMG yes

kid: well I drank the whole can 🙁

@JustMeTurtle

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.