Brands during Pride
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
omg leave her alone
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?