Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.