BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Skills
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.