@funnyordie

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

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@stockejock

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

@liv_reed17

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

@MNateShyamalan

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

@TuSoonShakur

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

@peachesanscream

My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can’t WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.

@Snarfernini

A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.

@fowlerism

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

@EndhooS

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

@LosLos__

Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.