What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can’t WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.
A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Her: I do.
And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.