BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
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If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
getting corrected
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10