BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
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Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably