Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
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Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.