@Iwriteforcats

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

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@SortaBad

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

@TheDailySchmuck

“It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!”

When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil’s food cake with my bare hands.

@jedfudally

someone at work asked who pablo escobar was so i told her he used to work here

@charstarlene

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

@AnnDabromowitz

When I’m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called “sandwich artists.” They will be “sub humans.”

@Reverend_Scott

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

@Cpin42

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

@notacroc

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

@Kendragarden

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.