Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

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We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji


“It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!”

When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil’s food cake with my bare hands.


someone at work asked who pablo escobar was so i told her he used to work here


The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating


When I’m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called “sandwich artists.” They will be “sub humans.”


If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.


[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out


BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?


Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.