Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
that wasn’t the question
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity