Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
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Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
men, we mow at sunrise.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Close call…
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator