Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
This meal prepping shit easy
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.