BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

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The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn’t grow on trees.


My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.


Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.


*someone finally replies after hours*

my brain:
don’t do it
don’t do it
don’t do it
don’t do it
don’t do it
don’t do it
don’t do it

*replies in 0.02 seconds*


Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good


My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.


I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.