[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
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Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”