[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
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One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Sticker placement is key.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
LMAO
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.