Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda