[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
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Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?