@rad_milk

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

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@gamecox93

Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.

@moose_chocolate

“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@JMFingSparks

5yo: *smells glue stick*

Me: DON’T BE SMELLING THAT!!

5yo: it smells like strawberries!

Me: give me that…*smells glue stick*

@platinum2000

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

@jtrulez

Having my oil changed today, but I need proof it’s really changed. I’ve been hurt by oils before & I’m not going through that again.

@MamaFizzles

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.