Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
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no one likes gloating
“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
5yo: *smells glue stick*
Me: DON’T BE SMELLING THAT!!
5yo: it smells like strawberries!
Me: give me that…*smells glue stick*
*throws up gang signs*
*never eats gang signs again*
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
T: What about other people
Having my oil changed today, but I need proof it’s really changed. I’ve been hurt by oils before & I’m not going through that again.
Her: What’s sex without love?
Me: About $100 a hour
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.