@rad_milk

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

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@novicefather

You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.

@better_off_dad2

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

@TheDreamGhoul

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

@mdob11

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

@goldengateblond

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

@causticbob

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

@ohpeetie

– “Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?”

– “I’m going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too”

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.