@rad_milk

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

@LnL245

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

@ojedge

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

@nickthune

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

@laabruzzi

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

@AndyAsAdjective

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

@TheAdly

Why is your ass split vertically?

Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.

@LetsGet9ined

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.