You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
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I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
– “Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?”
– “I’m going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.