break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting


Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.



ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit


[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*


The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse


*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!


The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.


Why is your ass split vertically?

Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.


Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.