Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Lmaoo 😂
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
How to woo a woman
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
*praying for world peace*
God:
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here