Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
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Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit