@JasonNotEvil

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

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@8bitf0x

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

@Browtweaten

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

@cravin4

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

@envydatropic

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

@notsoevilrick

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

@clichedout

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

@SummerSongGirl

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy