breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
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Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.