Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
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lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?