The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
-Do u want the buffet?
-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I sleep with a knife under my bed in case I can’t open my midnight snacks.
It also comes in handy if people try to steal them.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.