Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
This guy gets it.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread