[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo