[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
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[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
That eye roll….
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.