[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
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i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff