[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
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WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Very good! 👍😂
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that