My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Gemma Correll
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Still cracks me up
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.