@timbolton1

BREAKING: A man who took an airline company to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

BREAKING: A man who took an airline company to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

- @timbolton1

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@Sanbel11

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

@BillMc7

listen, officer – t h e o r e t i c a l l y – would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk

@CM2BTTHD

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

@Aaerios

Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. “U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!”

@nealbrennan

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

@LifeUnPinterest

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

@AmishPornStar1

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

@TheIronSherk

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

@UncleDuke1969

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.