Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

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If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.


Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!


My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.


Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.


*walks in on home intruder

“omg please don’t look at the dust!”


ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*


“Goodnight moon.”
*Moon takes out one earbud*
“No, Pepsi is not ok.”


“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi


Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then