If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
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Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.
*walks in on home intruder
“omg please don’t look at the dust!”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
*Moon takes out one earbud*
“No, Pepsi is not ok.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then