*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
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Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!