BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
and this one
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.