@iamjeffsloan

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

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@pixelatedboat

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

@stephenjmolloy

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

@8bitf0x

whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)

@ieatanddrink

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

@SnizzleFrizzle

My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.

@thedailymarker

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

@DPRK_News

“Halloween” is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.

@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

@Fene2208

Card is declined.
Waiter in a very loud voice:”Excuse me ma, ur card was declined” a few heads turn.
Me:I jst used d card. Pls try again”
Waiter tries again. Payment goes thru
Me: “pls maintain d energy.Say it loud dt my card was accepted”. A few heads turn again. I’m satisfied

@GrantTanaka

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby