Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
The only equipped I am is ill.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.