BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club