BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
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I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Kids, do not try this at home!
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.