The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.