@Trick_or_tweet

BREAKING: Clint Eastwood visits the Vatican to talk to the empty chair.

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@lolkthen_

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

@amysowerby

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

@SoVeryBritish

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

@jake_lach

*Dive rolls across the room naked

Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?

@Book_Krazy

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

@Cravin4

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

@Mindless4Miles

Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

@sween

I can’t imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I’m Canadian and I’m chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.