[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
BREAKING: Clint Eastwood visits the Vatican to talk to the empty chair.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
*Dive rolls across the room naked
Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Security to aisle 7. Shoplifting in progress. There’s no rush.
I can’t imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I’m Canadian and I’m chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.