I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
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“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Keep calm and text a random number…”I’m pregnant”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Ha ha! OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!
“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That’s the clock
[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]