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I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.