@samalmightysam

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

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@rad_milk

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

@UncleDuke1969

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

@KeepCaIm

Keep calm and text a random number…”I’m pregnant”

@bornmiserable

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

@fro_vo

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

@TrentoMento

Ha ha! OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!

“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”

@dumbbeezie

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

@9to5Life

Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.

@iwearaonesie

wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That’s the clock
me
wife
me: 535

@KeetPotato

[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
“yeah”
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
how tho?