BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods