#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
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*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend