@pixelatedboat

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

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@simoncholland

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

@ehdannyboy

I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium

@BDGarp

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

@3sunzzz

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

@chelliet22

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

@jonnysun

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

@CynicalTherapi1

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

@FuckabillyRex

I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

@daemonic3

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

@TheTweetOfGod

Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.