BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
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Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”