The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
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@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge