@jwoodham

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

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@scottthetwat

Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

@Ygrene

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

@WildeThingy

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

@PaperWash

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

@Darlainky

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

@LurkAtHomeMom

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

@Rebecca8672

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

@cigarin

I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.