BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
You Might Also Like
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.