A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
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Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[inventor of black licorice]
What if you could eat a tire?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Are you eating Jell-O?
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.