@jwoodham

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

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@Swishergirl24

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

@ddsmidt

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

@JohnLyonTweets

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

@UnFitz

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

@IamJackBoot

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

@PetrickSara

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

@SirEviscerate

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.