BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
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Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Battery falling down a hole
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.