BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
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If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.