@jwoodham

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

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@Pfagell

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

@GreyPath1

I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.

For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.

@eliyudin

“As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?” – Mexican restaurants

@P1ssed_K1d

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

@bornmiserable

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

@dire_beard

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

@_thatigirl

Asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, “A way out” wasn’t the right answer.