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I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS