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Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity