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@LordofScribble

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Slap a man with the same fish and the video will go viral in under 48 hours. #Truth

@truegritrumble

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

@envydatropic

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

@human_not_bees

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

@BlondAmbitionTO

On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.

@KizerBillhelm

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

@iamspacegirl

ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He’s so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them!

MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u

@mommajessiec

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@p_net

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?