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Who else got a PhD in imagining themselves in a situation that will never happen?


You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.


Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?


I like to test the waters by pushing people in.????


My husband purchased his 4th book about a wife whose husband murders her for having an affair. I wonder if I should warn my boyfriend.


weird that we call it “ghosting” when literally ghosts whole thing is that they won’t leave


Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti


Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?


Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.


– If any person believes that these 2 shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or…
– Ugh, I do.