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BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?