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@losmenent

Who else got a PhD in imagining themselves in a situation that will never happen?

@edwardsnathn

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

@WheelTod

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

@sweetg35

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.????

@StellaGMaddox

My husband purchased his 4th book about a wife whose husband murders her for having an affair. I wonder if I should warn my boyfriend.

@jpbrammer

weird that we call it “ghosting” when literally ghosts whole thing is that they won’t leave

@FrancysNjoroge

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

@huntigula

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

@Try2StopME

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

@SamuelHLowe

– If any person believes that these 2 shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or…
– THE PRIEST ALREADY SAID THAT!
– Ugh, I do.