Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Chemical wingman
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?