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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other


“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”


ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor


You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.


*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee


Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?


Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?


GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good