Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good