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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.